Jackson’s new plans for The Hobbit: Three movies to entertain us all

You probably don’t know this yet since I’m betting that you don’t obsessively scan the internet for news about The Hobbit. If you do, then why are we not best friends? I’m serious. If you already know this, you better post your phone number in the comments section because we’re having a sleepover and painting each other’s nails. Again, totally not kidding.

The news is that The Hobbit is going to be split into three, and not two movies. Peter Jackson announced this yesterday on his Facebook page:

“So, without further ado and on behalf of New Line Cinema, Warner Bros. Pictures, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Wingnut Films, and the entire cast and crew of “The Hobbit” films, I’d like to announce that two films will become three.

It has been an unexpected journey indeed, and in the words of Professor Tolkien himself, “a tale that grew in the telling.”

You can read the whole note here.

Stretching the roughly 300-page book into three movies could just be a ploy to make more money. So say people like Harry Potter fans who don’t matter. But, I don’t think that’s what’s happening here. What’s happening is that Peter Jackson is a big LOTR dork himself, and he just wants to do JRR Tolkien’s glorious masterpiece justice. Again, I quote his note:

“The richness of the story of The Hobbit, as well as some of the related material in the appendices of The Lord of the Rings, allows us to tell the full story of the adventures of Bilbo Baggins and the part he played in the sometimes dangerous, but at all times exciting, history of Middle-earth.”

Also, Peter Jackson is not one to half-ass a project. The budget for the The Lord of the Rings trilogy was $285 million. That’s enough to buy a handful of private islands in the Bahamas, according to Privateislandsonline.com (“The world’s private island marketplace”!). $285 million says commitment. And, it paid off…literally ten times over.

Jackson, I think, is just investing the same time and care into The Hobbit. Chances are he feels, like, an itty-bitty bit of pressure to deliver with this movie, and he just wants to do it right. If I’m wrong though, and Peter Jackson is just rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally in Mr. Burns fashion, while carelessly trying to stuff as much content into the movies as possible, then I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. Because, it just means one more movie that I get to look forward to with dork-filled anticipation.  And, unless there are plans to turn The Silmarillion into a movie, it will be the last Tolkien story brought to life on the big screen.

But, I’m not worried about that scenario. Just, take a look at The Hobbit trailer if you’re worried. I first saw it during the preview for The Dark Knight Rises. I’m not exaggerating for comedic effect when I say that the trailer was the best part of the movie (I hardly ever do that anyway…). Please don’t misunderstand. The Dark Knight Rises was great, but I was a little distracted by my fear-driven compulsions: scanning the audience for someone with crazy eyes, and staring down anyone who lingered in the emergency exit doorways on their way back from the bathroom. (Which, by the way, was A LOT of people. A lot of very, very stupid people. With stupid tiny bladders.)

Four Horrible James Holmes Headlines

Oh, the media. Sigh. It’s hard sometimes to remember that papers are the collective efforts of real people and not the wily invention of Scrooge McDuck. Because sometimes, the things they do so clearly disregard logic and/or human decency in favor of making a profit, that it really seems like a talking duck wearing a top hat is calling the shots.

For example, take the following inappropriate, irrelevant, and/or insulting headlines about the Aurora shooting:

Accused Movie shooter called a mediocre student intern
LA Times

Hey LA Times. Trying to get in on the action, I see. I guess you’re kind of close to Colorado (but, not really). What’s that? James Holmes was a bad intern. OMG, that totally explains why he terrorized a movie theater full of people. Way. to. go.

I get that you’re trying to understand the man behind the crime. But, cutting him down with an article about how he was a bad at object-oriented computing six years ago just feels like a really insufficient way to insult him. It’s the kind of insult that makes you look stupid, LA Times. Like saying “well…your mother!” Why not try something like “Accused Movie shooter called miserable human being….by everyone on the planet.”

Colorado massacre could have been worse: Reports
CBS News

Here’s a typical scene: Johnny falls out of a tree and sprains his ankle.Timmy says, “Are you okay?” Johnny replies, “Well, my foot’s messed up, but it could have been worse.”“How true,” they both chuckle as they walk/hobble off into the sunset.

“It could have been worse.” What an optimistic outlook for a bleak situation. It’s an appropriate response for a little fumble like that. Know when it’s not appropriate? When 12 people are killed by a lunatic in a movie theater. Because when 12 people are no longer living, it absolutely could not have been any worse. Even if 100 people had died instead of 12, it wouldn’t have made it worse. There aren’t degrees of fucking terrible. Ask one of the survivors. They’d probably agree.

Shooting suspect James Holmes could face death penalty
9 News

You don’t say.

Victims’ families urge less usage of Holmes’ name
Yahoo

“So, the mourning families of the Colorado victims think it’s better if there isn’t a ton of press coverage about James Holmes. What to do, what to do. Hmmmm….

Hmm…..

I know! Let’s blatantly disregard their wishes and post more irrelevant articles that continue to build him up as a mythical figure, thus increasing his cadre of neurotic female admirers. I totally doubt that’s what he wanted all along.

Money, money, I wish I were Google.”

Will the real James Holmes please stand up

“Who would do something like that?”

That’s the instinctive response of most people when they hear about this morning’s Colorado tragedy. You want to see the face of the bat-shit-crazy lunatic who would do something so utterly terrible and fucked up. You think that there’s something telling, in his eyes maybe, that sets him apart from normal people. From you. You want to stare into the eyes of the monster, even if it’s only on a computer screen.

At least, I did.

Which is why I turned to Facebook for answers. Which, (surprise!) wasn’t the greatest idea.

When I found a “James Holmes” from Northern Colorado, I thought “bingo.” I had already developed intense feelings of hate (So, you like Friends, huh. You disgust me!) when I scrolled down his wall to see this personalized message:

“Dearest random Facebook people who keep confusing me for a mass murderer and yet still send me Facebook requests.;

I appreciate the fact that you are trying to become better-informed about the occurrences last night in Aurora, but you have been somewhat mislead, in that I am not the man who did it. I am not a 24-year-old gun-slinging killer from Aurora, I am a 22-year-old book-slinging mass eater from Littleton. Somewhat distinct, I would assume. But I would appreciate if you would read this particular post an not assume that it would be interesting to be friends with someone on Facebook who is very probably going to be in jail and not be able to confirm your friend requests anyway, or even be friends with his girlfriend, who had the rather interesting experience of having to tell someone she had a job interview with that she is not, in fact dating a serial killer. James Holmes happens to be a pretty common name, surprisingly, so try not to jump the gun.

Regards, A different guy named James Holmes”

If, like me, you’re curious to see a photo of the real James Holmes, it’s maybe best to leave the reporting to the experts. You can see one here.