Beer tastes bad.
Please, don’t try to argue with me. Any rebuttal involving the word “hoppiness” will fall on deaf ears. I went to a brewery in Holland and it smelled like a horse-farm. It gave me a headache. I gagged a little.
I’ve decided that men don’t actually enjoy drinking beer. The beer obsession shared by almost every man I’ve ever encountered is a ruse. Beer and masculinity have become inextricably linked, and now men down the frothy horse-flavored beverage as a way to flex the proverbial bicep of manliness. They’re masochists—all of them. Because beer does not taste good.
Let me concede here for a bit. Some things that taste bad—cigarettes, for example—feel good. Clearly the same is true for beer. But, if that’s the appeal, let’s not create a whole elaborate fantasy about how delicious it is, fellows. About how different beers taste better than others when really the scale goes from “slightly-horsey” to “vomit inducing,” and the words “delicious” and “robust” should never be used when describing beer, except to say, “this beer is far from delicious and I will now proceed to vomit robustly.”
Beards have a similar function. In the nonsensical word of manliness, the more you resemble a hobo, or a middle-aged hippie, the cooler you become. Beards elicit respect. You could be a forty-two-year-old pizza delivery man that lives with his mother and has a lingering addiction to Halo 2, but if you’ve got a nice full beard, then you’re the man. You’re the coolest.
What annoys me most about the beard obsession is that men have absolutely no control over what comes out of their face. It’s not like they have to work, or train, or think really hard to push hairs out of their facial follicles. It just happens. Why congratulate someone for pure chance? Beard-praise is unearned, and that bothers me.
But, what bothers me even more is that I’ve totally been conditioned according to these arbitrary male attitudes. I like beards. Beards are sexy. And, I’m sure that deep down in my indecipherable subconscious, I prefer bearded men because they look more manly. Shame on me. Plus, if I ever got propositioned by a guy drinking a Smirnoff, he just wouldn’t have a chance (unless, maybe, he had a really nice beard).
ishouldhaveablog 
