In keeping with the spirit of the season, I’d like to scare you. Just a little bit.
Martha Stewart has moved on from selling linens and kitchenware in the marts of America (think K and Wal), and has infiltrated Pet Smart with a line of “unique products for today’s pets.” Or, in other words, overpriced crap to torture your pets with.
I’m not sure what Martha is trying to pull. Sure, I know about her now quasi-celebrity pets, like her Chow Chows, Chin Chin and Paw Paw (Jesus Jesus), but if she thinks that playing up this kindhearted, “I love animals” bit will make people forget about the five months she spent in jail (where, by the way, her nickname was “M. Diddy”) for conspiracy, obstruction of justice and making false statements to a federal investigator, she… well, yeah, she’s probably right. Good move Martha, you devious marketing genius, you.
Let’s peruse the Martha Stewart Pets line, shall we? First of all there’s this, for the dog that dreams of one day becoming a sparkly dragon. Sure, this may be really kind of adorable, but it’s inherently evil and totally demeaning. I mean, take a look at this pumpkin dog. Would you respect a pumpkin dog? No, that’s right, you wouldn’t. Dogs have feelings, too, Martha.
I’d like to point out that cats are severely neglected in the Martha Stewart Pet line. She’s only thrown together a few bowls and a bed embroidered with fishes. No cuddly bathrobes or ludicrous costumes for them, but then again, cats wouldn’t put up with that shit.
While perusing the Martha Stewart Pet Line, I stumbled upon another gem–did you know that two of Martha’s French bulldogs, Francesca and Sharkey, have their very own blog? It’s really quite remarkable considering that they don’t have opposable thumbs or the slightest comprehension of the English language. Some past posts include “Oh my Dog!” and “Squirrel up a Tree!” This would be cute (in a gross kind of way) if it wasn’t so transparently a marketing tactic. “…we were surprised to discover that a graveyard had sprung up overnight!” goes one of the posts, “Could this possibly have anything to do with Martha’s Haunted House television special airing on Monday, October 24th at 8pm on Hallmark Channel?” Well shucks Sharkey, I don’t know! Maybe?
Finally, I’d like to leave you with a delightful mental image that I hope will follow you around for most of the day. After her divorce, Martha dated Sir Anthony Hopkins—you know, the cannibalistic serial killer in The Silence of the Lambs. Now, despite my inability to picture Martha with any man, I find this match weirdly fitting. What’s a hilarious shame, though, is that after watching the movie, he and Martha broke up because she couldn’t stop picturing him as Hannibal Lecter.
“Why, hello Martha.”
Happy Halloween
ishouldhaveablog 
