Anewslysis: The Office comes to an end and Mr. Mullet on trial

1. Phone Facts
My phone deposits checks, plays music, takes HD video, plays HD video, and teaches me yoga. I think it makes and receives phones calls, too. It does so many things because our mobile application industry employs half a million people, masterminds behind gems like: Honey It’s Me, your very own digital Korean girlfriend, an app for recording your most lyrical farts, and a menstrual cycle tracker…for the (creepily) sensitive boyfriend. Despite this bounty of obviously life-essential apps, a survey found that  smartphoners mostly use their devices to check the weather. Close second: paperweight.

Source: Huffington Post

2. Arm-not-so-strong
It’s been a bad week for two reputable Armstrong’s. First there’s Neil, who departed our fair planet. Though, not for a trip to the moon this time. Then there’s Lance, hero to single-balled boys everywhere (and probably those with both balls as well) whose doping accusations have tragically stripped him of seven Tour de France titles.

Source: Gawker, NPR

3. Holy Moley-skin
“Darn,” you might think. “While using a Moleskin notebook is essential to my goal of being able to paint/write like Van Gogh/Ernest Hemingway, I’d really like to be more high-tech in my creative endeavors.” Not to fear. Now you too can buy into this totally artsy and not-at-all consumer-driven trend with Moleskin’s new digitally-enhanced notebook.

Source: Slashgear

4. Hairy Scary
I don’t think this is funny. I swear. Renegades who go around shaving the beards off Amish men is not a funny thing. Also not funny is the fact that the lead offender’s name is Samuel Mullet Sr. Before you laugh, please pause and think about what will become of little Samuel Mullet Jr!

Source: New York Times

5. Office Off Air
When The Office returns this Fall it will be for the last time. Fans will miss the familiar tune of the show’s infectious jingle and their own predictable Thursday night plans. True fans will nod solemnly as silent thanks that NBC finally bludgeoned this bloody, headless chicken out of its season and a half of misery.

Source: New York Times

Anewslysis: birth control for boys and Steve Jobs’ stolen iPad

1. Pro-teeth TV
Ah, bribery. It’s the American way. It’s also apparently the latest technique for getting kids to complete necessary hygienic tasks like brushing their teeth. The Advertising Council thought that providing two-minute cartoons kids could watch on their smartphones during the act would be a good way to encourage dental hygiene.

Ignoring the fact that this teaches kids to expect rewards for things they should be doing anyway (Next comes: “Johnny, if you take a poo-poo, I’ll give you this tootsie-pop!), something tells me that they’ll be more focused on the hilarious hijinks of Scooby-Doo than proper brushing technique.

Oh, and, did I mention that the videos are targeted towards low-income families. You know, families that can barely afford to put food on the table. I’m sure they have smartphones though. Yeah, they definitely have those.

Source: New York Times

2. The Opposite Sex
Male birth control may soon be a thing, which feels a little bit like the ultimate payback for women everywhere. Researches found that a cancer drug temporarily stopped sperm production in little mice testes. Will it do the same in normal-sized boy testes? Maybe. I think the better question is how many men will actually (willingly) take male birth control without feeling like they are voluntarily removing their testes entirely.

Source: USA Today

3. Clowning Around
Kenny the Clown, a 47-year old professional…clown, was caught with the late Steve Jobs’ stolen iPad. He used it to entertain children. I really have no humorous commentary to add. I think this simple fact is enough hilarity for this one.

Source: Huffington Post

4. Cloudy with a Chance of Revenge
Let’s hear it for some bad-ass Belgian proprietors who are threatening to stick it to the man. The weatherman, that is. Pissed at a hasty weather forecast that kept away tourists, they’re considering suing their local weather forecasters. If they pull this off, they’ll be worshipped by anyone who has ever gone to the beach/zoo/a picnic and gotten caught in a torrential downpour, or who has sensibly cancelled a trip to the beach/zoo/a picnic on what turns out to be a beautiful day. So, basically everyone.

Source: NPR

5. The Chubby Study
Want to know if your kid will turn out to be a big fat fattie? Entice them with a marshmallow, but then explain that if they wait, you’ll give them two marshmallows. If they can’t wait, then anticipate some tubby tykes since this implies a critical lack of self-control.

Except, enticing kids with marshmallows—the most delicious confection ever created—seems a bit unfair.  Because, I absolutely would have failed this test. I would have eaten the marshmallow before the rules were explained and then promised physical retribution if the remainder of the bag wasn’t handed over before I counted to three.

Source: The Atlantic

Your first steaming cup of Anewslysis

Friends, welcome to the first installment of Anewslysis!

What is Anewslysis, you ask? Well, apart from a word that I will absolutely misspell constantly and the delightful product of smooshing together the words “news” and “analysis,” Anewslysis is a weekly roundup of five articles that I feel the need to share based on their A) dire importance, B) implications regarding the demise of American culture, and/or C) hilarity.

The idea is to simultaneously keep us both informed.

It also allows me to be a smart-ass in short bursts opposed to the longer essay format you’re used to.

1. Hyst-Harry-a
Harry Potter tops NPR’s list of “100 Best-Ever Teen Novels.” Normally, I would be upset that Harry Potter beat both The Hobbit (#5) and The Lord of the Rings (#7) in any sort of competition. Normally, I would dispute the fact in a short, but passionate tirade on the subject. But, ever since I found out that Fifty Shades of Grey is the fastest selling paperback of all time, my faith in the literary standards of the human race has waned slightly.

Plus, who’s filing out this survey anyway? How many 12-16 years olds do you think peruse NPR’s website? If young adults who follow NPR actually exist, they wouldn’t spend their free time reading Harry Potter anyway. They’d spend it playing chess, and maybe applying for early admission to Harvard.

Source: NPR News

2. James’ Bad Brain
Lawyers say that James Holmes is mentally ill, which, I guess, is a relief. The same article reports that he has grown long sideburns and a mustache, which, I know, is irrelevant. Though, I am thankful for this artistic rendering of him in the courtroom. Two things, I think, were going on in this artist’s mind while sketching: 1) Holmes’ crazy fire-hair makes my job so much easier, and 2) Must. Get. Shading. On. Wall. Jusssst. Right.

Source: CBS News

3. Killer Instinct
Someone really should thank Harold Schecter for his new book: Psycho USA: Famous American Killers You Never Heard Of, because I was really getting bored with our pathetic supply of well-know American killers. Am I right?

Source: Huffington Post

4. Twilight Triangle
Like OMG. Did you hear the latest about the Kristen Stewart and Robert Whats-his-face scandal? That heartbreaking hussy. Totes not cool. Oh… wait….No. Thatttttttt’s right. I don’t care.

Source: No One Cares

5. Cocoa-nuts
A few months ago, NPR delighted chocoholics everywhere with the news that chocolate actually makes you skinnier. Now there’s talk of a genetically-engineered fat-free chocolate. Some soon-to-be-very- rich researchers at the University of Warwick figured out that the fat in chocolate can be substituted with fruit juice. Next, they’re developing cheese that actually removes cellulite. Oh, and the cure for death.

Source: Slashgear